Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2020

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Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

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Discussion Questions

Themes

The Effects of Toxic Masculinity

Throughout the book, Orenstein draws attention to the phenomenon of toxic masculinity. She explains how the #MeToo movement articulated how masculinity was fundamentally broken. High-profile examples of predatory behavior came to light, such as in the examples of Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, Louis C.K., Matt Lauer, and former president Donald Trump. In the wake of this, Orenstein was motivated to write a book that could serve as "an opportunity to engage young men in authentic, long-overdue conversations about gender and intimacy" (2).

In her interviews, Orenstein often encountered young men who were intellectually opposed to toxic masculinity, but who in practice were generally unwilling to challenge the status quo in a meaningful way. Her conversations with Cole, for instance, shed light on the dilemma that many teenage boys face—either stand up to your peers and run the risk of losing your social belonging, or passively allow expressions of toxic masculinity, such as bragging about sexual conquests, to flow free in your midst.

This dilemma was common for many of Orenstein's subjects. They shared that the expectation for males, even from a young age, is to stifle emotional expression. The idea that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is one of the key characteristics of toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity corrodes the minds of young men into thinking that their purpose is to dominate, to compete, to conquer; life is not about pursuing kindness and empathy, but about objectifying women and providing little space for those outside the heteronormative mold to flourish.

The Ethics of Sex

In order for teenage boys to understand what healthy sexuality looks like, they must first understand sexual ethics on a practical level. Orenstein seeks to decipher the sexual ethics of her subjects with journalistic integrity. Even in cases where a subject admits to problematic views of sex, Orenstein tries to humanize them. In the case of Sameer, who sought redemption and restoration after sexually assaulting a young woman in college, Orenstein neither condemns nor absolves.

Orenstein also draws attention to the low bar that many teenage boys, particularly college students, adopt in their definition of sexual ethics. For many of these young men, simply not committing sexual assault or hooking up with someone incapacitated results in an ethical victory. However, as Orenstein argues, "having sex that is technically 'legal' is not the same as sex that is ethical, mutual, reciprocal, or kind" (81).

When someone commits sexual objectification, an ethical code grounded in mutual respect is essentially absent. Teenage boys are often bombarded with the message that talking through their experiences and emotional processing conflicts with masculinity. Therefore, they often do or say things without considering the consequences or implications.

Power vs. Vulnerability

From a young age, boys are bombarded with the message that their goal in life is to be strong, and that vulnerability, both physical and emotional, is equivalent to weakness. Consequently, boys often do not find healthy mechanisms for emotional expression. Orenstein cites a 2018 study—"a third of the boys surveyed agreed that they should hide or suppress their feelings when they were sad or scared" (12). Vulnerability is still seen as antithetical to masculinity, and as a result teenage boys inherit and perpetuate this messaging.

Many of Orenstein’s subjects shared the idea that dominance was a necessary aspect of being male, and that power had to be asserted sexually in the form of stamina and conquests. In the same 2018 study, a significant number of "boys felt there was only one narrow pathway to successful manhood" (12). Throughout Boys and Sex, Orenstein draws attention to how boys struggle to stop associating masculinity with power/dominance and femininity with emotional expression and vulnerability.

The Pervasiveness of Porn

Orenstein argues that watching porn influences expectations and modern sexuality. The advent of free porn allows teenagers to consume porn at unprecedented rates, and is a model for what sexual encounters should look like. Teenagers internalize the aggressive language used by porn actors and the notion that women serve as playthings for men's sexual urges and desires. They understand sex not from productive conversations in family or educational settings, but through porn. Orenstein skipped asking if her interview subjects had ever watched porn, instead focusing on when they had first seen porn. In other words, porn is essentially a given in the modern teenage experience.

This inevitably creates internal conflicts. Mason, one of Orenstein’s subjects, revealed that his porn preferences didn’t match up with his own ethics. Much of the porn he watched was in the "unwilling women" category, where women are forced to have sex. His real-life sexual experiences became tangled up with his sexual imagination in a contradictory manner. For many young men, the ability to perform sexually or find satisfaction is directly linked to how similar the experience is to the sex depicted in the porn they watch. Additionally, many young men have anxiety about being able to maintain an erection like those of porn actors. With sites like PornHub receiving over one hundred million visitors per day, porn has essentially replaced sex education.