Beautiful Boy

“He does not seem to tire of some discoveries—Björk, Tom Waits, Bowie—but otherwise he is into the edgiest music and then grows bored with it.”

Nic’s restless search for the edgiest music is highly symbolic. On one level, it represents his early refusal to bow to peer pressure, something which later fades, potentially leading to his drug addiction. On another level, it mirrors his search for experience and the way he will later try, and tire of, a variety of drugs before he finds methamphetamine. 

“I think: Do I trust him? This too is a radically confounding proposition, one that has never crossed my mind. Of course I trust him. He wouldn’t lie to me. Would he lie?”

When Nic was younger, he and Sheff had a remarkably close relationship. Sheff naively believes this means he can trust Nic to always be honest, even about drugs. After Sheff finds a bag of marijuana among Nic’s belongings, he is forced to confront for the first time the possibility that this may not be the case. 

“I tell myself that Nic isn’t a typical druggie, not like the boys who hang out on the main street of town, unsupervised, cigarette-smoking, aimless, or the teenage son of an acquaintance back east who, high on heroin, was in a car wreck. I recently heard about a girl Nic’s age who is in a psychiatric hospital after she slit her wrists. She was on heroin, too. Nic is not like those children. Nic is open and loving and diligent.”

After Nic is caught buying marijuana on the high school campus, Sheff is again confronted with his son’s engagement with drugs. However, as he does throughout much of the book, he responds with denial, drawing on stereotypes of addicts to convince himself that Nic does not, and will not, have a drug problem. 

“He looks terrible. He has grown taller, but that’s not what I notice first. His hair is shaggy and unkempt. There are black circles under his eyes. Somehow he is grayer. His manner alarms me. I detect a simmering sullenness.”

Nic will later reveal that he began drinking heavily on a summer trip to Paris, where his addiction problems took root. Sheff is unaware of this at the time. However, he is already concerned, albeit temporarily, by the warning signs of physical decline and a change in behavior.

“Drug stories are sinister. Like some war stories, they focus on adventure and escape […] But often the storytellers omit the slow degeneration, psychic trauma, and, finally, the casualties.”

Although Sheff often blames his own youthful drug use for Nic’s later addiction problems, these stories give him important insights into the reality of drug abuse. Having witnessed the effects of addiction firsthand, he is keen to point out that stories glamorizing drug use often avoid highlighting the harsh reality of drug-related death and decline. 

“Should I have smoked with him? Of course not. I’m desperate—way too desperate—to connect with him. It’s not a very good excuse.”

When Nic offers to smoke marijuana with him, Sheff knows that it is not a good idea. However, fueled by his denial of his son’s issues and his need to reconnect with him, he rationalizes that it could be a bonding moment, like a father of a previous generation sharing a beer with his son. 

“If his rebellion is extreme, it is because I have made it difficult for Nic to have anything to rebel against. Finally someone has said it: so it is my fault that Nic has been increasingly sullen and shadowy and taking drugs and is now lying and stealing. I was too lenient.”

Like many parents of addicts, Sheff frequently blames himself for Nic’s addiction. When Nic’s therapist suggests that Nic robbing the house and going on a binge in Death Valley is simply an attempt to rebel against Sheff’s own liberal attitudes and drug-taking past, Sheff takes this as confirmation that he is responsible. 

Like many parents of addicts, Sheff frequently blames himself for Nic’s addiction. When Nic’s therapist suggests that Nic robbing the house and going on a binge in Death Valley is simply an attempt to rebel against Sheff’s own liberal attitudes and drug-taking past, Sheff takes this as confirmation that he is responsible. 

“My son, the svelte and muscular swimmer, water-polo player, and surfer with an ebullient smile, is bruised, sallow, skin and bone, and his eyes are vacant black holes.”

Nic disappears for four days before calling Sheff to say that he is in trouble. Even before Nic admits to taking meth, Sheff is horrified to see how drug abuse has physically transformed his son.

“An admitting nurse at a Northern California hospital may be the most accurate when she tells me the number for meth addicts. ‘The true number is in the single digits,’ she says. ‘Anyone who promises more is lying.’”

As Sheff’s research reveals, meth addiction is notoriously difficult to treat. Calling various rehabs, Sheff is quoted a range of different success rates but is skeptical about all of them, concluding that the pessimistic report of the admitting nurse is, unfortunately, likely to reflect the harsh truth.

“‘He’s in denial. It’s typical of addicts, who maintain and believe that everything is all right, they can stop when they want, everyone else has a problem but not them, they are fine, even if they wind up losing everything, even if they are on the streets, even if they wind up in jail or in the hospital.’”

It is not only Sheff who is in denial about Nic’s addiction. Whenever he is using drugs, Nic refuses to admit that he has a problem, insisting that he has it under control and it is all harmless. The fact that the counselor at the first rehab Nic attends warns them about this does little to change either Nic or Sheff’s denial about the severity of the issue.

“He tells us Al-Anon’s Three Cs: ‘You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it.’”

Al-Anon is a group for the friends and families of addicts, offering support, advice, and company for those struggling with a loved one’s addiction. They recognize that many people respond to others’ addictions in the same way: blaming themselves, attempting to limit the addict’s self-destructive behavior, and trying to save the addict. The drug and alcohol counselor speaks to Sheff and Karen about these “Three Cs”—efforts that are, ultimately, fruitless and damaging. 

“To be honest, I am still only paying lip service to the idea that Nic is a drug addict. Rehab is necessary, I believe, but he will be fine. I don’t look at Nic the way I look at the other addicts in the room. Nic is a smart kid who has gone way out of control.”

When Nic is first caught with marijuana, Sheff rationalizes that he is not “a typical druggie” (86). While this is perhaps not an unreasonable response to a relatively minor infraction, the fact that Sheff continues to view Nic in this way even while he is in rehab for a serious meth addiction suggests that a far more significant level of denial and self-delusion is at play. 

“I torment myself with the same unanswerable questions:

Did I spoil him?

Was I too lenient?

Did I give him enough attention?

Too much?

If only we never moved to the country. 

If only I never used drugs.

If only his mother and I had stayed together. 

If only and if only and if only…”

Despite the advice from Al-Anon, Sheff struggles to accept that he did not cause Nic’s addiction and that he cannot control it. Instead, throughout much of the book, he berates himself with the idea that, if he had simply done something differently, he could have saved his son from the pain of dependency. 

“I am an enabler, propping Nic up; making excuses for him; bending over backward to care for him; trying to protect Karen and Jasper and Daisy from him, and yet also trying to keep them all connected to one another.”

While Sheff eventually accepts that he did not cause Nic’s addiction, he also has to contend with the fact that his actions may be helping Nic to continue abusing drugs. Although he is desperate to try and save his son, his efforts to do so only allow Nic to temporarily avoid the consequences of his actions, preventing him from “hitting bottom” and confronting the reality of his addicted life. 

“How the hell did I get here? It doesn’t seem that long ago that I was on the goddamn water-polo team. I was an editor of the school newspaper, acting in the spring play, obsessing about which girls I liked, talking Marx and Dostoyevsky with my classmates. The kids in my class are in college. This isn’t so much sad as baffling. At the time it all seemed so positive and harmless.”

When he is on drugs, Nic appears to be so deep in denial that he cannot recognize that he is addicted nor the damage his drug use is doing to his life. Reflecting on his experiences while sober in rehab, he expresses a profound shock at how much the reality of what he was doing differs from his previous perception of it as harmless fun and experimentation.

“I inform her of Nic’s relapse, and when I do, she surprises me. She advises patience, saying that often ‘relapse is part of recovery.’”

One of the biggest shifts in Sheff’s thinking is understanding that drug addiction cannot be cured. Instead, sober addicts can relapse at any moment, even after years of addiction. These relapses and subsequent returns to rehab are often seen as part of a lifelong process of recovery. 

“I write back that I will help him return to treatment, but that is all. I am not parroting any Al-Anon tough-love script, nor have I become callous. I have been defeated by meth and have given up. Bailing him out, paying his debts, dragging him to shrinks, counselors, and scraping him off the street—it has been futile; meth is impervious.”

When Sheff first begins to accept that he cannot control or cure Nic’s drug addiction, it is not the teachings of Al-Anon or the advice of experts that shake his conviction. Rather, it is the sheer overwhelming evidence that no matter what he tries to do to help Nic, the lure of meth addiction remains just as powerful and unshakable. 

“I bristle when I hear the word codependent, because it’s such a cliché of self-help books, but I have become codependent with Nic—codependent on his well-being for mine.”

One of the hardest lessons Sheff has to learn is that he has become addicted to Nic’s addiction. That is, he has developed codependency to such a degree that his own state of mind is entirely dictated by whether Nic is healthy and sober or relapsing again. Recognizing this is the first step in Sheff’s own recovery and in his struggle to reclaim his freedom and enjoyment of life. 

“‘I guess what I can offer you is this: As you’re growing up, whenever you need me—to talk or just whatever—I’ll be able to be there for you now. That is something that I could never promise you before. I will be here for you. I will live, and build a life, and be someone that you can depend on. I hope that means more than this stupid note and these eight dollar bills.”

The letter Nic writes to Jasper apologizing for stealing his money reveals a great deal about what addiction has taken, not only from him, but also from the whole family. When he was addicted to meth, Nic was never able to be a reliable, stable, supportive figure in Jasper’s life. Only sobriety can return this capacity to Nic and so return Nic to his family. 

“By now, though, through Nic’s addiction, I have learned that I am all but irrelevant to Nic’s survival. It took my near death, however, to comprehend that his fate—and Jasper’s and Daisy’s—is separate from mine.”

Sheff’s cerebral hemorrhage represents a fundamental turning point in his relationship with Nic’s addiction. Causing him to reevaluate his life, the incident allows him to finally see that he cannot save Nic from his addiction. Nic will make his choice to be sober or to take drugs regardless of what Sheff does or whether Sheff is alive or dead.  

“I would miss all of it. 

I miss it now.

And here it sinks in: I don’t have it now. I have not had it whenever Nic has been on drugs.”

As Sheff comes to terms with his own powerlessness, he is confronted again by the very real possibility that Nic’s drug use may cause his death. He realizes that he already misses Nic: When Nic is on drugs, he is not a true part of Sheff’s life, only a source of grief and hurt. 

“I wish for a catastrophe, but one that is contained. It must be harsh enough to bring him to his knees, to humble him, but mild enough so that he can, with heroic effort and the good that I know is inside him, recover, because anything short of that will not be enough for him to save himself.”

Sheff believes that parents only want good things for their children, and yet, he wants something bad to happen so that Nic will finally realize how dangerous and damaging his life has become. However, such an incident has to occur on the right scale: intense enough to break through the walls of denial but not so severe that it actually causes lasting damage or death. 

“Every call fed my growing obsession with the promise of reassurance that Nic was all right or confirmation that he was not. My addiction to his addiction has not served Nic or me or anyone around me. Nic’s addiction became far more compelling than the rest of my life.”

One of the starkest illustrations of codependency in the book is Sheff’s reflection on how he never felt that he could turn off his phone, instead living in a desperate state of unknowing, waiting for a call that would confirm whether Nic was safe or even alive. Sheff’s acceptance of how such things have taken over his life is central to his own recovery.