Beautiful Boy

Sheff calls hospital emergency rooms to see if Nic has been admitted. He calls the police to see if Nic has been arrested. A police officer tells him to send Nic to “a boot camp where children, roused and shackled in the middle of the night, are taken by force” (135). Sheff has read about one camp where a boy died the previous summer and where “children were beaten, kicked, starved, chained, and deprived of water in the 114-degree desert” (135). He does not consider the option. 

After Nic has been missing for six days, Sheff’s “desperation has built to a frenzy” (135) although he manages to “never fall apart around Jasper and Daisy” (136). He and Karen strive for “a delicate balance” because they “don’t want to scare them, and yet at the same time, we don’t want to pretend that everything is fine when they know—how can they not?—that it isn’t” (136). He speaks to Vicki and is glad they are united by their love of Nic. However, when Sheff is alone, he “weep[s] in a way I have not wept since I was a young boy” (136). 

A week later, Nic “just shows up at the house” (137). He is “frail, ill, and rambling—a barely recognizable phantom” (137). While Nic sleeps, Sheff calls rehab centers, asking “about their success rates for treating meth users” (138). He is “quoted a range from 25 to 85 percent” but a hospital admitting nurse “may be the most accurate” when she reveals that the “‘true number in in the single digits […] Anyone who promises more is lying’” (138). To Sheff, the rehab industry appears to be “in disarray” (138) but he makes an appointment with a center in Oakland and is “convinced that this is our only hope” (139). He wakes Nic and insists that they are going. Nic “rages” and declares, “‘No fucking way!’” but eventually “follows me to the car” (140).

In the car, Nic tries to change Sheff’s mind, insisting that “‘I’ll just run away’” and screaming “until he is hoarse” (143). Sheff notices him slurring his words and realizes “that he is high. Again. Still” (143). He sees his son as “a stranger. And yet he is a stranger whose every part I know intimately” (144). Sheff looks at “his sullenness and anger and vacancy, his retreat and his turmoil, and I think, Who are you?” (144). 

At the rehab, Nic is given an assessment. The counselor reports that he is “‘in serious trouble’” and that “‘At eighteen, he is using and mixing more drugs than many people who are much older’” (145). She also reports that he “‘has a dangerous attitude—he doesn’t understand that he’s in trouble. He’s proud to be so hardcore, wears it like a badge’” (145). She says that their rehab “‘isn’t right for him’” because he is almost too old and is “‘resistant to treatment’” (145). She specifies, “‘He’s in denial. It’s typical of addicts, who maintain and believe that everything is all right, they can stop when they want, everyone else has a problem but not them’” (145). 

Sheff takes Nic home and finds another rehab center who will take him in for a 28-day program. After Sheff leaves Nic there, he feels as if “I might collapse from more emotion than I can handle. Incongruously, I feel as if I have betrayed Nic, abandoned him, turned him in” (149). Although he is forbidden to use the phone, Nic manages to call on his third day of rehab, “begging to come home” (151). Sheff refuses and Nic “slams down the receiver” (151). 

Sheff and Karen have sessions with a drug and alcohol counselor who points out that although they cannot save Nic, “‘[they] can support his recovery, but [they] can’t do it for him’” (152). He tells them “Al-Anon’s Three Cs: ‘You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it’” and reminds them to “‘take care of yourselves. You’ll be good for no one—for each other, for your children—if you don’t’” (152).

Sheff continues to research meth, constantly finding information about how addictive meth is and the level of damage it can cause. He discovers that “[r]ather than a moral failure or a lack of willpower, dropping out and relapsing may be a result of a damaged brain” and discovers that it takes a long time—possibly years—for “the brain to return to normal—if it ever does” (155).  

Sheff and Karen attend weekly family group sessions at the rehab center. They are “stark, haunting, heart-wrenching gatherings” (159). At the third session, Nic says that he will not be going to college because he was only “‘going for you’” (160). Instead, he intends to work and “‘be independent’” (160). Sheff is shocked because, “To be honest, I am still only paying lip service to the idea that Nic is a drug addict. Rehab is necessary, I believe, but he will be fine” (160). He notes that “I don’t look at Nic the way I look at the other addicts in the room. Nic is a smart kid who has gone way out of control” and still believes that Nic “will return to college, graduate, and have a—a normal life” (160). 

In the fourth session, Nic declares that he “needs more time in rehab and asks if he can move into the program’s halfway house” (161). Sheff agrees because it is “a sensible plan” but also because “I admit, I am afraid of what will happen if he comes home” (161). Nic moves into the halfway house but, when Sheff calls three days later, he learns that Nic “has vanished (161).

Sheff calls hospitals and police stations again and then attempts to “explain it to Jasper and Daisy, as well as I can” (162). Sheff tries “to fathom what is happening—not only to Nic, but to our lives, which are preoccupied by him” (162). He finds himself snapping at Karen who usually tolerates his outbursts but occasionally gets annoyed. One night he admits that he cannot sleep because he imagines Nic dying; she admits that she does too and, “[f]or the first time, we cry together” (163). 

Desperate, Sheff drives into San Francisco to look for Nic on the street. Runaways and addicts still gather around Haight Ashbury and, “[l]udicrously, I ask them if they know my son” (163) but without success. In a park, he describes Nic to a young woman who warns, “‘You won’t find him if he doesn’t want to be found’” (164). Sheff takes her for a burger and they discuss her addiction. She too had been “‘a sweet kid’” (164) and a voracious reader, until she was given meth aged fourteen. She remarks, “‘Even though I know how fucked up it is, if I had the chance to start all over I would do it again’” (165). Sheff asks about her parents and says, “‘Call them. I know they’d want to know you’re alive’” (167). 

Sheff returns home and torments himself “with the same unanswerable questions” (167) wondering if it is all somehow his fault. He notes that “[g]uilt and self-blame are typical responses of addicts’ parents” (167). He also observes that they are not helpful because, while they may serve “as a turbo charger of conscience,” “in excess they are useless and incapacitating” (168). 

Nic finally calls but he is “talking fast and obviously lying,” claiming to have “quit on his own and […] been sober for five days” (168). Sheff says he has “two choices as far as I am concerned: another try at rehab or the streets” (168). After protesting that he does not need rehab, Nic reluctantly agrees and Sheff drives to him. When Nic gets in the car, he has injuries to his face but dismisses them, “‘It was no big deal […] Some asshole beat me up and robbed me’” (168). 

Sheff manages to get Nic into another rehab that costs “nearly twenty thousand dollars” (170) for twenty-eight days, thankfully covered by Sheff and Vicki’s insurance coverage. Sheff and Karen visit the hospital on weekends for family sessions. When they see Nic, he is “pallid, moving slowly, as if each step causes searing pain” (173). He seems “genuinely happy to see us” and explains that he has “been given sedatives to aid in the come-down process” (173).  After a while, he “blurts” out that he is “so sorry about everything” (174) and Sheff and Karen “do not know what to say” (174).