Bad Mormon

Billy Gay is Gay’s ex-husband, and the father of her children. Gay uses Billy as an example of how the things she was taught to want ultimately disappointed her. She describes Billy as “unlike any Mormon man [she’d] ever known: more than six feet tall, born of a wealthy family, and interested in pursuing me” (144). Her description highlights the attributes that drew Gay to Billy: his good looks, his outstanding Mormon heritage, and his genuine pursuit of her despite her own sense of her shortcomings. Gay admits that she was driven by “lust” in her pursuit of him, and that being with him “curled her toes” with desire (145). She later acknowledges that this was not a suitable basis for marriage, and that they “could’ve solved all [their] problems with a weekend in Atlantic City where [they] had sex and realized that it was all [they] had in common” (159). Gay also felt drawn to Billy’s status as “Mormon royalty” (149). His grandfather Bill Gay had belonged to a group she describes as the Las Vegas Mormon Mafia, “and the benefits of Bill Gay’s network and net worth were passed down through the generations” (150). Ultimately, the Gay family resources were used to “circle the wagons” and protect Billy during his contentious divorce from Gay (203).

During the early days of their relationship, the wealthy and established Billy made “courting [Gay] his nine-to-five” while she worked to establish her career (148). She believed that he admired her work ethic and drive. However, Billy’s repeated dismissals of her creative ambitions during their marriage made her realize that “ambitious women aren’t rewarded for their drive and ingenuity” in the Mormon church (177). She presents Billy’s careless attitude toward her ambitions as evidence of Expectation Versus Reality in Mormon Marriage, claiming that Billy’s posture toward her was: ”do what you want, but make sure dinner is on the table by five” (178). Although she was raised to believe that a man like Billy is the most she could ask for, her marriage ultimately reveals that he cannot fulfill her.

Susan Carver Deans is Gay’s mother and the wife of John Deans. Gay never names her in Bad Mormon, but describes her as “perpetually youthful” with “deep brown eyes, and a big brilliant smile” (10). Gay presents Susan as a kind of foil for herself. As the section titles suggest, Gay sees herself as a bad daughter, wife, and Mormon: Susan, on the other hand, she presents as the ideal Mormon daughter, wife, and church member. This comparison to her mother remains crucial to Gay’s self-conception throughout her story: because she constantly compares herself to her mother’s example, Gay always feels insufficient.

Gay details her mother’s history to demonstrate her deep ties to Mormonism. Susan’s ancestors were “pioneers that had traveled across the plains and settled in Ogden, Utah” in the early days of Mormonism (10). As the oldest of six children, Susan was expected to be “self-resilient and resourceful” in order to support her family (10). Her participation in agricultural organizations like “the 4-H Club” (10) and her role as “a white gloved song leader” suggest that she fully embraced the Mormon principles of self-sufficiency and creativity (10). Gay suggests that, while she spent her teen years trying and failing to avoid temptation, Susan celebrated traditional Mormon values, making her an ideal daughter in the eyes of the church.

Gay also depicts her mother as the perfect Mormon wife to highlight the ways in which Gay herself struggled to live up to that standard. Whereas Gay graduated from college and served a mission before marrying, her mother took the “fast track from sorority girl to stay-at-home mom” typically expected of Mormon girls, and was “engaged, married, and pregnant” shortly after meeting her husband in college (11). Although she had her own life and a degree in progress, once Susan met John she “fell in line and became his helpmeet,” surrendering her own goals in favor of his (30). As John’s career moved the family across the country, “his wingman and wife happily followed, creating homes without complaint in multiple states around the nation” (9). Gay suggests that her mother’s willingness to follow her husband without question made her the perfect Mormon wife.

Gay also frames Susan as the perfect mother. The fact that she was “supremely competent in all the creative arts” helped Susan to build a beautiful and peaceful home (11). Gay describes her mother as “the kind of mom who added a dollop of Cool Whip and a bendy straw to your glass of milk just because she knew it would thrill you” (11). The memoir suggests that Gay felt like a failure when her home life was not as peaceful as the one she saw her mother craft.