50 pages • 1 hour read
Amir Levine, Rachel S.F. HellerAttached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2010A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 2, Chapters 5-7Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 2: “The Three Attachment Styles in Everyday Life”
Part 2, Chapter 5 Summary: “Living with a Sixth Sense of Danger: The Anxious Attachment Style”
For those with an anxious attachment style, Levine and Heller claim that an individual’s choice of romantic partner can greatly influence one’s happiness. They chronicle the story of Emily, a colleague of Levine whose personality changes rapidly after beginning a relationship with her boyfriend David. Obsessed with always maintaining contact with David, Emily displays an activated attachment system. Levine and Heller attribute this to a perceived threat to her relationship. Levine and Heller explain that, while all people with attachment styles may experience activated attachment systems, those with anxious attachment styles are especially sensitive.
To demonstrate this sensitivity, Levine and Heller cite a study that measured “the vigilance to social cues of the anxious attachment style” (79). When subjects with anxious attachment styles were asked to pinpoint a subtle change in emotion, they were able to recognize the onset and offset of emotions on a face earlier than those with other attachment styles. Although subjects with an anxious attachment style react quickly, they also “tend to misinterpret people’s emotional state” (80). Levine and Heller warn readers with an anxious attachment style of the dangers of reacting quickly and misjudging emotions. Levine and Heller explain that, once anxious partners’ attachment systems activate, they will employ activating strategies to reconnect with their partner. Levine and Heller include a list of activating strategies typically exhibited, including ruminating about a partner, focusing on positive qualities only, and placing immense pressure on the importance of a single relationship.
The authors return to the example of Emily. They detail how Emily’s attachment system alerted her to the difficult truths about her relationship with David, who was engaging in flirtatious behavior with other women. Despite discovering these truths, Emily continued her relationship with David and relied on activating strategies to maintain their connection. Now, Emily is married to a partner who does not activate her attachment system and provides her with stability.
Levine and Heller insert a flow chart that shows how an attachment system works. The flow chart illustrates an individual moving from a comfort zone where one feels secure in a relationship to a danger zone where activating strategies initiate.
As an example of a couple overcoming the activation of their anxious attachment system, Levine and Heller introduce the story of Ryan and Shauna. Ryan and Shauna are former coworkers, and navigate changes in their relationship that distance them when Ryan leaves their mutual company. One day, when Shauna does not accept his phone call, Ryan grows distressed. Despite this activation, Ryan does not engage in protest behavior and regulates his feelings when Shauna explains that she could not accept his call because of her boss’s presence. Levine and Heller explain how Ryan and Shauna were able to communicate effectively and avoid entering the danger zone. They implore the reader to employ these same communication strategies to relationships.
Levine and Heller provide examples of protest behavior, which occur when an attachment system activates and overtakes an individual. As a warning, Levine and Heller address the harmful effects of engaging in protest behavior and activating strategies. Citing a study that investigated the brain scans of women with various attachment styles, Levine and Heller explain how people with an anxious attachment style “react more strongly to thoughts of loss” and exhibit a decreased ability to regulate their emotions (89).
With the goal of helping readers understand their attachment styles and find stable relationships, Levine and Heller outline how they will structure the rest of the book to guide the reader through the process. First, they will focus on aiding single people in their search for a secure partner. Then, they will highlight the ways those with an anxious attachment style can transform their thoughts.
Levine and Heller question whether those with certain attachment styles attract those with differing attachment styles. In their search for an answer, Levine and Heller discuss studies that show an attraction between partners with avoidant and anxious attachment styles. Researchers claim that the avoidant and anxious attachment styles “complement each other in a way” by reinforcing each partner’s attachment style (91). As an additional explanation, Levine and Heller argue that anxious partners can become programmed to an activated attachment system and may seek out avoidant partners who provide them with activation. The authors warn readers not to mistake this emotional activation with passion. To reinforce this, Levine and Heller include an infographic that highlights the incompatible differences between individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
The authors provide three additional reasons for why individuals with an anxious attachment style may encounter individuals with an avoidant attachment style while dating. Due to the characteristics of the avoidant attachment style, individuals with this style tend to engage in a greater number of partnerships, while those with a secure attachment style tend to maintain longer, more infrequent relationships. Additionally, researchers have found that avoidants are less likely to date other avoidants.
Next, Levine and Heller explore the connection between individuals with anxious and secure attachment styles. They describe an acquaintance named Chloe with an anxious attachment style who meets Trevor with a secure attachment style. Upon first meeting, Chloe expresses doubts about the chemistry between them. The authors argue that Trevor’s secure attachment style did not activate Chloe’s attachment system, which led her to falsely attribute Trevor’s stability to a lack of chemistry. Due to her reliance on her attachment system, Chloe missed the opportunity to connect with Trevor and instead entered a less stable relationship. The authors include an infographic that highlights the benefits for anxiously attached individuals to connect with securely attached partners.
Levine and Heller condemn popular advice to maintain distance and strive for independence in dating. They analyze the effects of following this advice and argue that such behavior will only attract partners with avoidant attachment styles. These avoidant partners will not prioritize intimacy. Instead, Levine and Heller advise anxiously attached individuals to accept their needs in a relationship, look for evidence of an avoidant attachment style, communicate their needs, stay open to dating multiple potential partners, and offer secure partners an opportunity to connect.
In conclusion, the authors offer a caveat regarding the stereotypes associated with the attachment styles. While men are typically associated with the avoidant attachment style and women with the anxious attachment style, evidence shows these are misperceptions. Each attachment style features members of all genders.
Part 2, Chapter 6 Summary: “Keeping Love at Arm’s Length: The Avoidant Attachment Style”
Chapter 6 opens with the story of Chris McCandless, a young traveler who died due to his stubborn independence. Levine and Heller describe how Chris’s resistance to support from others ultimately resulted in his untimely death. They connect Chris’s tragic story to the plight of avoidantly attached individuals who prioritize independence over intimacy, and offer lessons on how to become more self-aware.
To explain its evolution, Levine and Heller detail the use of the avoidant attachment style throughout history. The self-sufficiency of avoidants developed in the aftermath of hostile living conditions that forced people to compete for resources. Despite serving a function throughout history, the avoidant attachment style results in lower rates of happiness and satisfaction in relationships. To instill hope, Levine and Heller offer the opportunity to change.
Using research focused specifically on avoidants, Levine and Heller dispel the myth that avoidants lack the need to connect with partners. Research shows that, although avoidants can hide their needs, they display anxious attachment styles when placed under stress. To highlight the ways avoidants shield their needs and distance themselves from partners, Levine and Heller include four profiles of avoidant individuals and the tactics they use.
Despite their intellectual incompatibility, 27-year-old Mike continues a relationship with his girlfriend while longing for another, more intellectually compatible partner. Kaia, 31, continues to long for her life before her two-year relationship without acknowledging how unhappy she was when she was single. Stavros, 40, wonders why he has not found a partner who meets his specific criteria of age, ambition, physical appearance, and willingness to relocate to Greece. Tom, 49, feels restricted and abandons his wife whenever he can to take solo trips. Levine and Heller claim that Mike, Kaia, Stavros, and Tom all employ deactivating strategies—thoughts or strategies used to suppress the need for intimacy. They incorporate a list of deactivating strategies for the reader to review. These include highlighting flaws in a partner, withholding expressions of love, and maintaining physical distance.
As avoidants find it difficult to recognize their own patterns of behavior, Levine and Heller feature four frequent thought patterns for avoidants. Avoidants overly focus on self-reliance, ignore the positive attributes of partners, misconstrue their partners’ behaviors, and long for imaginary perfect partners or phantom exes. Levine and Heller claim that it is possible for avoidants to change by seeking counseling to discover root, internal causes of their unhappiness. In a section titled “Coaching Session,” the authors offer eight ways avoidants can begin to change. Levine and Heller suggest avoidants identify their deactivating strategies, focus on supporting partners, seek out securely attached partners, recognize the tendency to misinterpret behaviors, create a gratitude list, recall the negative attributes of past partners, disregard the idea of a perfect partner, and communicate feelings while implementing distraction activities.
Part 2, Chapter 7 Summary: “Getting Comfortably Close: The Secure Attachment Style”
Levine and Heller state that even the presence of one secure partner in a relationship leads to higher levels of functionality. Research shows that individuals with a secure attachment style report higher levels of happiness in relationships. When tested for their reactions to negative thoughts of loss or separation, secure partners revealed an ability to withstand negative reactions. As a result, secure partners excel at deescalating conflict, revising strategies, communicating openly, engaging in intimacy, forgiving quickly, equating sexual and emotional intimacy, respecting their partners, and responding to partners’ needs.
Levine and Heller aim to identify the origins of secure attachment. They explore the findings of various researchers who sought to investigate the connection between secure attachment and parental connection during infancy. While researchers did discover a link between sensitive mothers and the development of a secure attachment style, they also learned about the influence of an “easy temperament,” “positive maternal conditions,” and “fewer hours with a non-parental caretaker” (139). There may also be a genetic predisposition for each attachment style. As infants with secure attachment styles grow older, they may struggle to maintain a secure attachment style depending on their romantic experiences as an adult.
Levine and Heller outline three behaviors that contribute to supporting a partner’s growth as a guide to creating a secure base for romantic partners. These behaviors include being available for partners, empowering partners by not interfering in their endeavors, and providing encouragement. The sense of responsibility exhibited in secure partners can sometimes lead them to engage in and continue negative relationships. The authors conclude the chapter by warning secure partners of this danger.
Part 2, Chapters 5-7 Analysis
Levine and Heller initiate their exploration of the different attachment styles with the anxious attachment style, even though it’s less represented in the population. Despite those with an anxious attachment style being in the minority, anxious partners suffer “a great deal in relationships” because of how “unaware” they are of their attachment system (77). Attached seeks to educate readers on the impact of attachment styles on general well-being and satisfaction in relationships. By targeting anxious partners, Levine and Heller aim to offer relief from the strife of insecure relationships. Individuals with an anxious attachment style present a greater capacity for change than their avoidant counterparts due to their desire to stop suffering and increase intimacy with partners.
Although avoidant partners exhibit an aversion to intimacy, Levine and Heller believe that a transition to a secure attachment style is possible. The authors also hope to educate anxious and secure partners about avoidant partners to help them “understand why they act as they do” (111). To personalize these lessons, Levine and Heller once again incorporate anecdotes that simultaneously aim to encourage and warn readers. Through Emily’s story, the authors present a real-life example of the damaging effects of engaging in an insecure partnership, and the benefits of a secure partnership. Emily’s story ends with the dissolution of her relationship with David and a return “to being her resilient self” (82). Through her journey, she finds happiness in a secure marriage and promises readers the same triumphant outcome, if they heed the authors’ advice. Emily’s story also allows the authors to describe a real-life example with theoretical terms. As they analyze how Emily loses her confidence throughout her relationship with David, they apply terms like “activating strategies” and “attachment system” to explain Emily’s behavior through the lens of attachment theory.
In Chapter 6, Levine and Heller use Chris McCandless’s story to warn avoidant partners about the dangers of inflexible independence. Through Chris’s story, the authors impart a message about the happiness found through human connection. They implore avoidant partners with an undeterred focus on maintaining independence to learn from Chris’s death. They describe Chris and avoidant partners “as lonesome travelers” (110-11): This is a simile, where something is compared to something else using “like” or “as.” In this case, Levine and Heller describe life as a journey filled with relationships, and those without connection as “lonesome travelers” on that road. Their choice of the word “lonesome” conveys the isolation that many avoidants feel because of their deactivating strategies and rejection of intimacy.
Despite their warnings, Levine and Heller aim to maintain a compassionate tone by acknowledging the strengths of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. The authors underscore the evolutionary origins of attachment and the purpose each attachment style served throughout history, underscoring The Biological Aspects of Attachment. In a world overrun with “hunger, disease, or natural disasters,” avoidants developed the ability “to detach and be self-sufficient,” which led them to be “more successful at competing for limited resources in these extreme environments” (111-12). While acknowledging the benefits of the avoidant attachment style in the past, Levine and Heller encourage readers to seek out change and apply the principles they outline throughout their guide; they declare that “you can learn what does not come naturally to you and improve your chances at developing a rewarding relationship” (112). Using the second-person point of view, they speak directly to readers and emphatically uphold their belief in The Possibility of Change.
Levine and Heller provide visual aids and worksheets to guide readers through the journey of change. Again, they employ lists to summarize key facts and aid readers in absorbing information. In two sections titled “Coaching Session,” Levine and Heller provide advice on how anxious partners can navigate dating by adopting secure characteristics and on how avoidant partners can accept love in their lives (99, 127). Chapter 7, which focuses on the secure attachment style, informs the reader about the nuances of secure partners and the specific steps anxious and avoidant partners can take to change.
