Alone

“Convoys come through every day now

Mom always has the news on

listening for information

about checkpoints and delays

and ‘protective action’ curfews

whatever that means.

I personally don’t get why everyone is so uptight.

It’s just a bunch of trucks moving stuff around

not World War III.”

As the novel’s 12-year-old first-person narrator, Maddie has limited knowledge of, or interest in, the political situation around her that leads up to the evacuation. The reader learns only what Maddie learns; there is a vague sense that something is amiss, but it’s unclear what. Maddie even seems to think the news is boring and irrelevant to her life. This cavalier attitude toward the news and the world of politics foreshadows a shift that is about to occur: As soon as Maddie gets abandoned, she becomes very interested in the news but isn’t able to glean much useful information. The news seems to remain deliberately vague, perhaps because, as Maddie learns at the end, the imminent threat is not real.

“Grave-faced news anchor talks to camera.

‘...imminent threat resulting in emergency

evacuations…state of emergency…top

priority to secure the homeland…infrastructure

protection…western United States…information

security…crisis and emergency planning…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

‘...national threat advisory…others

on pre-evacuation alert…temporary

shelters in multiple jurisdictions…reduce

vulnerability…the safety of American

citizens…stay tuned for more

up-to-the-minute coverage of Operation

Relocate Freedom….’”

Due to her panicked state and possible lack of news literacy, everything the anchors say sounds like an incomprehensible jumble to Maddie. She only seems to understand bits and pieces of what’s being said, grasping only certain phrases. Furthermore, as Maddie learns in the end, the imminent threat is ultimately fake; even if Maddie is fully understanding the new anchor’s words and the context, the explanation may simply be lacking. Additionally, Maddie quickly learns the limit of the news for her personal situation: The images on the screen show people getting onto buses or moving into temporary shelters, but she doesn’t know where these places are specifically or which one(s) her own family are being taken to. She doesn’t see her own parents in any of the crowds pictured. To survive, Maddie will have to turn to other sources of information besides the news.

“I find keys in the van’s ignition.

Pull it back in the garage?

I’ve only ever driven

one time

at my uncle’s ranch

in California.

Mom was pissed when she found out.

I lock the car

leave it in the driveway

close the garage door.”

At first, when she’s left alone, Maddie wants to be productive. She cleans in preparation for people’s return and avoids trespassing on other people’s property. She assumes the evacuation won’t last long, and she still views her surroundings as a “civilization” that she should help keep intact while everyone else is away. This effort includes following rules that are meant to ensure people’s safety under normal circumstances. Children aren’t allowed to drive because, normally, adults are around to drive for them and there’s no need to risk children doing it. Even though the adults are gone now, Maddie at first continues behaving as if they might return any minute, ready to punish her for any rules she may have broken.

“Could there really be something

right here

in Millerville, Colorado

that is a threat to me

personally?”

This question is ironic because the “imminent threat” that led to the evacuation was not actually real. However, now that Maddie has been abandoned, there are several things in her hometown that will now become real threats to her: tornados, blizzards, lightning storms, fires, wild animals, floods, and, most of all, loneliness. None of these things would have been as big of threats, however, if the evacuation based on the fake “imminent threat” never happened.

“Mother Nature doesn’t seem to mind

an empty town with no people.

The sun still rises.

The swallows go right on

sculpting their muddy nest

high out of reach.

A sudden crash from next door

at the Nortons’ house.”

At the beginning of the novel, Maddie marvels at the resilience of nature even though she doesn’t yet see herself as part of nature, so she doesn’t yet draw inspiration from this observation. The sudden crash from next door just as Maddie is thinking about how nature seems unaffected is also ironic because the crash is really the neighbors’ dog, George, who is technically a part of nature (like Maddie) and is definitely affected by his owners having disappeared because he has no company or ways to feed himself or let himself outside.

“I whistle and he comes to me.

No need for us both to hang out alone.

He wags again and does his

doggy pant-smile thing. He nuzzles

his head under my hand.

Having company

feels better already.”

Although George is not a human and can’t speak human language, Maddie still benefits immensely from his companionship (and vice versa). As time goes on, she also realizes she has more in common with him than at first glance. They were both abandoned for reasons beyond their comprehension and have to trust a new friend and build a new life to replace the one that disappeared.

“And then there’s Dad’s

Golden Rule for Hiking and Camping:

If you’re ever lost, STAY PUT.

Ensure proper supplies

for warmth through the night

then wait for help to come to you.

Technically, I’m not lost.

I know exactly where I am.

Is this a ‘stay-put’ time?

What if I leave to find help

and I do get lost or hurt

and everyone comes home

and finds me missing?”

Maddie’s father’s advice is echoed throughout the novel and ultimately helps her survive, even though she ends up adapting his rule accordingly as circumstances evolve. One way in which Maddie’s family are “ghosts” is that she recalls their words and “converses” with them by sometimes adding her own spin on ideas. For example, she decides it’s smart to remain based in her hometown, but Maddie doesn’t “stay put” at all times because she needs to get supplies, conduct research, and also sometimes leave the house just to improve her mood.

“I wish Dad were here

with his telescope and

his astronomy app

to identify

everything I’m seeing in the sky.

To help me pinpoint

exactly

where I am

in the universe.”

At first when Maddie is abandoned, she doesn’t see herself as “lost” because she’s in her hometown, at her mother’s house. However, she ultimately concludes that she’s not really “home” because the empty houses aren’t the same without her family in them.

“I remember once

when the water was off at Dad’s

he flushed by pouring water

directly into the bowl.

I don’t want to waste

drinking water

but I find a case of red wine

in the basement.

It’s a fact that wine smells bad

and tastes worse.

Even if I liked it

my parents would murder me

if I started drinking alcohol

the minute I was left alone.”

This quote demonstrates Maddie’s resourcefulness, which consists of both the ability to recall her preexisting knowledge as well as the ability to apply logic and adapt rules for new, unique situations she finds herself in. She uses wine instead of water to flush the toilet because she has no other use for wine, whereas water is now a precious resource to be conserved. This early in the novel, Maddie’s attitude toward the wine also demonstrates both her youth as well as how she is still clinging to societal norms as if other people will return imminently. As the novel progresses, her concern for societal rules starts to fade while, at the same time, she comes of age more fully.

“We have no shortage of good books.

I reread my childhood favorites.

E. B. White. Kate DiCamillo.

Roald Dahl. Natalie Babbitt.

The Calvin and Hobbes treasury.

Old friends to smooth the hard edges

of being frightened and alone.

Sometimes I read to myself.

Other times I read aloud to George.

He listens politely. Wags his tail when

I check to see if he’s paying attention.”

Even when Maddie is first left alone, she already regards books as “friends” that can keep her company in the absence of humans, similar to George. She is still 12 and takes comfort in rereading childhood books because they remind her of an easier time when her family was around. However, as the novel progresses, Maddie turns to different sorts of books to suit her changing needs as a teenager.

“Can’t remember some of those

early years together

just as a family of three.

Now impossible to imagine life without

Jennifer and Paul and Trevor and the twins.

Hate stories about wicked stepmothers.

The phrase ‘broken home’ pisses me off.”

Maddie complains about having to switch houses every week, especially about being the only one of her siblings who does so. However, she actually values each of her family members, even the step ones, and would rather have them all around than not, even if it means switching houses. Maddie also begins to resent that the stories she’s reading don’t match her true experience. This irritation signals a shift in how she views her family as well as her needs as a character—she is maturing, and she needs “companions” or books to match her new self.

“I don’t bother leaving a note.

I have stopped thinking in terms of imposing

on other people’s property.

I think only of survival.”

When Maddie is first abandoned, she leaves notes at houses and stores explaining what she took and why and thanking the person for helping her. After time passes, she stops worrying about following society’s rules, which have become meaningless and also a hassle now that the laws of nature are taking over. Additionally, Maddie realizes that even if people do come back one day and society resumes, nobody will care or even be able to tell what she took versus what was taken or destroyed by looters, storms, fires, or animals. The town is not being preserved until people came back; it has begun to deteriorate already, so Maddie does not feel guilty for scavenging what she needs.

“WhatifIgetintrouble

fordrivingunderage?

I had better dare or there

will be more serious consequences

than illegally crashing

an abandoned car

in an abandoned town.”

Eventually, the nagging voice in Maddie’s head about society’s laws becomes so meaningless that it almost sounds incomprehensible to Maddie, shown through the lack of spaces between the words when she’s wondering if she could get in trouble for driving. The spaces resume and her thoughts become comprehensible again when Maddie reasons that her biggest concern now should be the “laws” of nature and the changing seasons, not the laws of people who are not around. Besides not having to worry about upsetting anyone or being punished, Maddie also realizes that the laws that normally keep people safe are not keeping her safe currently. Driving is not nearly as dangerous as it would normally be because no other moving cars are on the road. It’s also more dangerous in this case to not use the car because she risks not being able to haul enough supplies for winter in time.

“Use my art knife to cut out photographs.

Combine them into different bodies.

Different settings. Different families.

Shellac them onto card stock

and fragments of broken glass.

I hang the installation from the chandelier

over the dining room table.

Air currents move the families

slightly on their strings

but they never tangle

or cross or meet.”

Maddie tries many different ways to cope with loneliness during her years alone, including befriending a dog, reading books, “conjuring” memories or imaginary projections of her friends and family, and making this installation. Like her other efforts, this is partially satisfying but ultimately not the same as real human companions who are physically present. This is symbolized by how the different families in her installation don’t physically touch or intertwine.

“By the time the irises

send up their spiky stalks

spring is official and

a new sense of hope

blooms in my heart.”

Each time spring arrives throughout Maddie’s years alone, she draws new hope and inspiration from the resilience of nature. Even though it’s mostly a tragedy that she was left alone, and nature sometimes poses threats to her, she changes her attitude toward nature over time, seeing it as a source of rejuvenation rather than just an enemy or something opposed to humans. Since she is herself a part of nature, she feels less alone in the absence of humans. Nature becomes another “friend” that helps Maddie get through.

“Think.

Think.

Think.

All my thoughts are

questions. None of them

are thoughts.

risk?

rescue?

help?

safety?

criminals?

danger?

assault?”

When Maddie encounters the looters, she’s unsure whether or not to reveal herself to them because she doesn’t have enough information to know if they’d help or hurt her. This quote begins with an allusion to Winnie the Pooh, who often tells himself to think three times when faced with a conundrum. However, this approach fails Maddie in the moment because this is an adult situation that can’t be addressed with a child’s strategy. In addition, her one-word questions, each listed on a solitary line, illustrate how her isolation is a disadvantage in this moment: She has no one with whom to talk things through with, and also, the men far outnumber her—they wouldn’t be as much of a threat if her whole family had been left behind.

“Would I be capable of using a gun

against those men? To protect myself?

shattered glass

fresh blood on a white T-shirt

a little bundle in the dirty snow

Yes.

He killed a kitten without blinking an eye.

Absolutely, yes.

I will do whatever it takes

to stay alive.”

Maddie is talking to herself because no one else is around, but the use of italics in certain lines almost makes it seem like she is having a conversation with someone else who keeps interjecting. With no one else to talk things through with, Maddie has to rely solely on her own logic. However, she “conjures” another reasonable person to weigh in on things, talking with herself to hash out problems the same way she hugs herself, comforts herself, and rocks herself to sleep. Maddie also becomes her own “friend” in the absence of other humans.

“To hell with these

heroines who have

entire dystopias rooting

for them as they fight

to save the day.

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

but I wonder

would they fare

so heroically if

faced with the

vast loneliness

and uncertainty

that is my everyday

experience?

Not likely.”

Maddie’s relationship to books mirrors her coming-of-age process. Having grown bored of fiction stories, which don’t represent her experience, she eventually turns to poetry, which she finds to be a more effective form for expressing isolation.

“I agree that of the three choices the most important challenge is the food and shelter one, but I think if I were the Challenge Girl, it would be even harder for me to be alone for all that time. I mean, she can always fish and get food and it isn’t hard because it’s her island already. But she has to keep herself company and give herself pep talks and if she’s sick or scared she can’t just call out to her mom to come take care of her. So I think that’s what makes her the REAL Challenge Girl and not that other stuff.”

Elliot’s book report reflects Maddie’s experience by highlighting that, if stranded alone in their own home, a person’s greatest challenge would likely be coping with loneliness, not finding food. Although finding food might be most “important” insofar as lack of food kills people quickly, it’s not the most difficult challenge. To make this situation more interchangeable with Maddie’s, Elliot refers to the protagonist as “Challenge Girl” instead of using her actual name. Reading this book report during her own isolation prompts Maddie to take the challenge of loneliness seriously and devote time to coping with it the same way she devotes time to scavenging food and supplies.

“[L]oneliness and insanity

are twin houseguests

and

it’s hard to entertain one

without inviting the other in

as well.”

Maddie starts to understand that loneliness is an actual danger to her mental well-being, not just an unpleasant emotion. Understanding this threat is important because she has to start finding better coping strategies to care for her mental health, including gardening, reading different books, and changing her outlook and routines.

“The animals around me

are living their lives

just as they always have.

Nothing has changed for them.

Do I look as natural to them

as they do to me?

We’re all just trying to survive.

Does that make me wild?

Can one lone girl be a civilization

all by herself?”

Maddie’s questioning of the difference between nature and civilization, as well as her place within each system, is not simply philosophical banter meant to pass the time. These questions are important to Maddie’s survival because their answers will inform her strategies about how to deal with loneliness. Starting to see herself as part of nature, she’s able to take comfort in the presence of wild animals around her and also develop an even deeper connection with George, who is ultimately not so different from her despite being a dog.

“One day

I’ll go to college with poetic friends

sit in coffee shops

write stories about

the olden days of the imminent threat

the trials and tribulations

I endured.

I want a poetic friend to keep me company

explore alongside me

help me forage for food and fuel.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I find Emily Dickinson.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If Emily Dickinson is right

and

hope is a bird perching in my soul

then my hope hovers

on the verge of flying away

at any moment.”

There is a meta moment here when Maddie imagines writing poetry about her experiences, nodding at the fact that this is a book of poetry about Maddie’s experiences. Here, Maddie also engages deeper with the idea that books can be friends. Although she can’t sit with human poets in coffee shops currently, she finds poet “friends” (books) in the library to keep her company and converse with in the meantime. However, Emily Dickinson’s words are at first somewhat discouraging to Maddie because she fears her hope will fly away someday if it’s a bird.

“I draw strength

from the possibility

that I, too, might

one day understand

my place in

the natural world.

I am certain

that the question

she asks at the end of

‘That Summer Day’

is intended just for me:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do

with your one wild and precious life?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I am going to make sure

my one wild and precious life

is spent living as fully and

completely as I can

and if that means living alone

with an aging rottweiler

and eating canned food

until I’m an old woman

so be it.”

Mary Oliver’s words inspire Maddie to change her attitude. They affect her in part because Maddie has started to think of herself as “wild.” These words also push Maddie to find meaning and value in her life beyond living only for the hope that her parents will return to rescue her.