All Your Perfects

“In our defense, it’s hard to admit that a marriage might be over when the love is still there. People are led to believe that a marriage ends only when the love has been lost. When anger replaces happiness. When contempt replaces bliss. But Graham and I aren’t angry at each other. We’re just not the same people we used to be.”

This early description of Quinn and Graham’s marriage establishes its current state. Quinn admits that they still love each other, but that their marriage is “dwindling” and “weakened.” She sees herself as “facing the opposite direction” from Graham, hinting at the physical and emotional distance between them.

“When Graham bought it, he said the jeweler told him the wedding ring is a symbol for eternal love. An endless loop. The beginning becomes the middle and there’s never supposed to be an end. But nowhere in that jeweler’s explanation did he say the ring symbolizes eternal happiness. Just eternal love. The problem is, love and happiness are not concordant. One can exist without the other.”

Quinn reflects on how the love in her marriage is still present, despite her absence of happiness. Her wedding ring—a symbol of marriage with no end—proves true of her relationship; this symbol, in combination with the theme of Love and the Strength of Commitment Through Difficult Times, emphasizes the work that goes into a successful marriage. This quote also demonstrates the severity of Quinn and Graham’s marital problems: Both partners are unhappy and simply pretending not to notice.

“The moments that follow my shrug are probably why it’s taken him so long to ask the question in the first place. It’s the moment I feel his heart come to a halt, the moment he presses his lips into my hair and sighs a breath he’ll never get back, the moment he realizes he has both arms wrapped around me but he still isn’t holding me. He hasn’t been able to hold me for a while now. It’s hard to hold on to someone who has long since slipped away.”

In this quote, Quinn reveals her feelings of distance and detachment from Graham. She describes herself as someone who’s “slipped away” and can’t be held. Still, Graham attempts to comfort her even when she makes it clear that she doesn’t feel or desire closeness with him. This, in combination with Important Quotes #2-4, shows Quinn’s isolation.

“Reproduction is why we exist, after all. Reproduction is required to complete the circle of life. We are born, we reproduce, we raise our offspring, we die, our offspring reproduce, they raise their offspring, they die. Generation after generation of birth, life, and death. A beautiful circle not meant to be broken. Yet…I am the break. I was born. That’s all I’m able to do until I die. I’m standing on the outside of the circle of life, watching the world spin while I am at a standstill.”

Quinn’s despair at her infertility causes her to reconsider her very existence. She wonders what her purpose and place in the world are, if she can’t accomplish something so integral to her. She sees herself as something outside of life’s cycles.

“I’m not ungrateful for the things she does for me. I just know that I have to make my own way in life because even though money surrounds me, it doesn’t line my pockets.”

Quinn’s relationship with her mother Avril is tied to her relationship with money and status. She in some ways resents her mother’s desire for wealth, particularly since this desire seems more important to Avril than her daughters. Access to money is important in the novel because wealth could hypothetically pay for a surrogate, or allow for more adoption options should Quinn consult her mother. However, Quinn and Graham refuse Avril’s potential help on principle.

“Have we considered IVF? Is she serious right now? I should probably just smile and tell her that’s a great idea, but I’m suddenly aware that I have a limit and it was just reached. ‘Yes, Eleanor,’ I say, pulling my hand from hers. ‘We’ve been through three unsuccessful rounds, actually. It drained our savings account and we had to take out a second mortgage on our home.’”

After fielding insensitive questions from people she doesn’t know—in this case, an old friend of Avril’s—Quinn snaps and responds honestly to a well-intentioned suggestion that she and Graham try IVF treatment. The novel comments on couples experiencing infertility, with Quinn’s honesty embarrassing her—reflecting the way women are expected to hide negative emotions in public.

“I can hear the judgment in his voice, but I don’t blame him. Old Greenwich was recently rated one of the wealthiest cities in America. If you’re a part of that wealth, it’s commonplace to assume you’re better than those who aren’t. If you aren’t part of that wealth, you judge those who are. It’s a trend I refuse to be a part of.”

Though Quinn claims she refuses to judge, she takes Graham’s comment that she “doesn’t come across as a girl who hails from Old Greenwich” as a compliment. Quinn’s complicated relationship with money and status simmers in the background of the novel, but it’s particularly present in discussions of weddings and wedding planning. In this quote, Graham reads Quinn and Ethan’s wedding invitations and expresses subtle disapproval of their wording. Quinn is proud of her “microscopic apartment and the furnishings [therein]” because of the separation it creates between her current life and the affluence of her childhood and adolescence.

“I can be disappointed in myself later. Right now, I just need him back on this bed. Back inside me. Because he’s right. Sex with my husband is definitely a requirement to getting pregnant. And today is our best chance this month.”

Graham’s frustration with his and Quinn’s current sex life stems from her fixating on conceiving rather than enjoying intimacy for its own sake. He mourns the days when their sex life was passionate and spontaneous, while Quinn now associates sex with her failure to conceive. Though she dreads sex because it always leads to disappointment, she wants to regularly have sex to maintain hope.

“I’m bitter that he doesn’t understand what sex has become to me over the last few years. He wants me to continue to want him, but I can’t when sex and making love have always given me hope that it might be that one in a million chance I’ll get pregnant. And all the sex and lovemaking that leads to the hope then leads to the moment all that hope is overcome by devastation. Over the years, the entire routine and the emotions it brings started running together. I couldn’t separate the sex from the hope and I couldn’t separate the hope from the devastation. Sex became hope became devastation. SexHopeDevastation. Devastation. Devastation. Now it all feels devastating to me.”

Quinn articulates the way her grief has become entwined with her sex life. The “Then” sections of the novel feature the passion, spontaneity, and joy that used to be present in Quinn and Graham’s sex life; the “Now” sections depict Quinn spiraling from shame and guilt over her infertility. As a result, Graham feels unwanted.

“I do what I do best. I walk away until I’m strong enough to pretend the conversation never happened. And he does what he does best. He leaves me alone in my grief because I’ve made it so hard for him to console me. We’re getting really good at playing our parts.”

This quote follows a conversation in which Graham asks if Quinn accepts “That we’ll never be parents.” It’s a question that devastates Quinn and leaves her crying. She could be honest with Graham and attempt to reconnect with him, but she retreats inward instead. Quinn knows she’s creating distance between them, but is too consumed by her own destruction to break them.

“It isn’t until he does this that I realize why I find him so attractive. It’s because he makes me feel attractive. The way he looks at me. The way he talks to me. I’m not sure anyone has ever made me feel as beautiful as he makes me feel when he looks at me. Like it’s taking everything in him to keep his mouth away from mine.”

This “Then” description of Quinn and Graham’s chemistry provides a stark contrast to their later stilted interactions. Whereas Quinn used to love the way Graham made her feel desirable, she now feels nothing but despair and resignation when he’s affectionate or appreciative of her. Quotes like this illustrate the painful awkwardness with which Quinn and Graham interact with each other and help invest the reader in the salvation of the relationship.

“I lift up on my pillow and raise my brow. ‘Sex I’m okay with. Eternal commitment is pushing it […] You’re coming on way too strong. It’s probably going to scare me away.’”

After being unexpectedly reunited, Graham is convinced that his and Quinn’s relationship will last—but Quinn is hesitant. Exchanges like this foreshadow Quinn’s more reserved nature and lay the groundwork for her to create distance between herself and Graham. Even when she wants the relationship to work, Quinn shies away from promising forever.

“He traces a soft trail of kisses up my neck. Knowing that this kiss won’t lead to sexhopedevastation makes me enjoy it a lot more than if this were happening in our own bathroom at our own house. It sounds so fucked up. I don’t understand how his actions can elicit different responses from me depending on the setting. But right now, I’m not going to question it, because he doesn’t seem to be questioning it. He seems to be enjoying it.”

Quinn considers how she’s more able to appreciate and respond to Graham’s physical affection when they aren’t home and touching can’t lead to sex. She feels a division between the wife she is in public and the wife she is in private; she knows her and Graham’s touching makes it seem like they have a loving, sexual relationship, but her infertility-related trauma has left her exhausted by sexually charged physicality. Quinn carries a great deal of guilt, not only for her inability to get pregnant, but for “ruining” sex for Graham.

“This is the moment when I know I should ask him what he’s thinking. This is the moment when I should tell him what I’m thinking. This is the moment I should be honest with him and admit that maybe we should open that box. But instead of being brave and finally speaking truth, I choke on my inner coward. I look away from him and close the door. We resume the dance.”

Quinn overhears Graham admit to his sister that he’s “devastated” by his lack of children. She sneaks away to pretend she didn’t hear, and later lies to Graham about not making it to Graham’s sister’s house. Graham also lies, saying he hadn’t had a chance to hold his newborn nephew. Later, the novel reveals that Graham lied on purpose to see Quinn’s reaction. One of the novel’s central themes is The Importance of Communication; here, Quinn is aware of what she should do, but instead chooses to isolate herself. It’s an important moment that deeply affects the way Graham feels about their relationship.

“Neither of us speaks. Maybe he doesn’t have anything to say, but I can’t speak because of the severe intensity building inside my chest. The sex was great. Quick, but incredible. But this thing that’s happening right now…the not being able to let go…the not wanting to stop kissing…the not being able to look away…I can’t tell if this is just a side to sex I’ve never experienced or if this goes deeper than that. Like maybe sex isn’t as deep as it gets. Maybe there’s a whole level of connection I didn’t know could exist.”

After Quinn and Graham’s first sexual encounter, they revel in their connection. Their physical chemistry is intense, but accompanied by a depth of attraction and closeness that Quinn’s never experienced before. This “Then” scene reinforces what’s been lost in the “Now”—not just sex, but emotional connection.

“I haven’t had to keep up with my ovulation cycle since then and honestly it’s been a big relief. After finally going a couple of months without tracking my cycle, I realize how much I would prefer never having sex again. That way, every month when my period comes, it would be completely expected and not at all devastating.”

Quotes like this contrast with those like Important Quote #16, and expose the traumatic effects of infertility on Quinn. Though she previously found happiness in her sex life, she now feels nothing but grief and anxiety (due to sex being so closely tied to her efforts to conceive). Her relief at being left alone is vastly different from her and Graham’s early enjoyment of each other’s company, as she prefers not to confront her trauma (even if it means avoiding her husband).

“Apologies are good for admitting regret, but they do very little in removing the truth from the actions that caused the regret. I allow him to hold me until my hurt feelings put a wedge between us.”

Graham explodes at Quinn during sex, asking if she can “pretend” to want him, as he feels like he’s “making love to a corpse.” Quinn is deeply hurt by this, but also recognizes her own emotional distance. In exploding, Graham has spoken a fraction of his truth to Quinn, but she doesn’t take the opportunity to share her own feelings. This is one of many moments in the novel in which their problems could be addressed, but Quinn is too mired in her own feelings to take advantage of it.

“We’re all full of flaws. Hundreds of them. They’re like tiny holes all over our skin. And like your fortune said, sometimes we shine too much light on our own flaws. But there are some people who try to ignore their own flaws by shining light on other people’s to the point that the other person’s flaws become their only focus. They pick at them, little by little, until they rip wide open and that’s all we become to them. One giant, gaping flaw.”

Graham is talking about his ex-girlfriend Sasha in this quote, but his philosophy also connects to the novel’s motif of flaws and perfection. He believes it’s important to focus on positives, rather than fixate on others’ flaws. The reader sees this philosophy in action when Graham stands by Quinn, despite her growing alienation from him and habitual rejection of his efforts to love her.

“‘I wanted to travel,’ she says. ‘When your father and I got married, we had plans to move to a different country every year for five years before buying a house. Just so we could experience other cultures before we died. But one crazy night, we weren’t careful and it turned into your sister, Ava.’ She looks at me and says, ‘I never wanted to be a mother, Quinn. But I’ve done my best. I truly have. And I’m grateful for you and Ava. Even if it’s hard for me to show it.’ She grabs my hand and squeezes it. ‘I didn’t get my first choice at the perfect life, but I sure as hell did the best I could with my second choice.’”

When Quinn confronts her mother, asking, “Why would God give someone like you children but not me?,” Avril is honest with her. Though Quinn doesn’t recognize it, her mother’s situation somewhat mirrors hers—while Quinn desperately wants to be a mother and can’t have children, Avril didn’t want to be a mother and accidentally bore a child. Avril claims to have done the best she could with her second choice, which helps prompt Quinn to live her best life without children.

“We walk around inside that house like everything is okay, but it’s not, Quinn. We’ve been broken for years and I have no idea how to fix us…Every day I come home, hoping things will be better. But you can’t even stand to be in the same room with me. You hate it when I touch you. You hate it when I talk to you. I pretend not to notice the things you don’t want me to notice because I don’t want you to hurt more than you already do…I am not blaming you for what I did. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. I did that. I fucked up. But I didn’t fuck up because I was attracted to her. I fucked up because I miss you. Every day, I miss you. When I’m at work, I miss you. When I’m home, I miss you. When you’re next to me in bed, I miss you. When I’m inside you, I miss you…I miss you, Quinn. So much. You’re right here, but you aren’t. I don’t know where you went or when you left, but I have no idea how to bring you back. I am so alone. We live together. We eat together. We sleep together. But I have never felt more alone in my entire life.”

Graham is finally honest with Quinn in this quote. He admits to kissing another woman and tries to explain why he did it. Quinn is taken aback, as she hadn’t realized he noticed all the ways and times she avoided him. Graham emphasizes Quinn’s emotional distance with the repetition of the phrase “I miss you,” framing her as absent even when they’re in bed together.

“The only thing I know is that he hurt me. And he hurt me because I’ve been hurting him. It doesn’t make what he did right in any sense, but a person can understand a behavior without excusing it. Now we’re both full of so much pain, I don’t even know where to go from here. No matter how much you love someone—the capacity of that love is meaningless if it outweighs your capacity to forgive.”

In the wake of Graham’s infidelity, Quinn tries to process the damage she and him have done to each other. Though devastated by Graham’s actions, she is loving and empathetic enough to understand why he did what he did. The novel centers on the idea of loving flawed beings—including oneself—and this quote demonstrates the way Quinn is able to accept Graham’s flaws, even as she struggles to accept or overcome her own.

“But right now, our house is silent. And that silence between us is so loud; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fall asleep.”

Hoover uses an oxymoron—“loud” silence—to invoke the feeling of two people who aren’t speaking despite having so much to say. The atmosphere this evokes is cold and lonely, which matches Quinn’s mental state throughout the “Now” chapters.

“As long as I have Graham, I don’t know that this life could be anything less than what it is right now. And right now, it’s wonderful. I relax against his chest and fall asleep with the most peaceful feeling in my heart.”

This quote occurs in a “Then” chapter and follows Graham’s presenting of two hypothetical futures for him and Quinn—one in which they have children and are financially successful, and another in which they never have children and struggle at their jobs. Quinn thinks both scenarios are “perfect” because they include her and Graham together. This bond is something Quinn lost sight of in her desire and struggle to become pregnant, but she remembers it at the end of the novel and uses the memory to find peace with her infertility. During a tense confrontation, Graham asks Quinn if he’ll ever “be enough” for her if they never have children—but this quote makes it clear that deep down, Quinn’s always seen him as enough, and uses this memory to adjust her expectations of their life together.