All Your Perfects

Quinn packs a bag, hoping to be gone before Graham returns home the day after his cheating. She plans to go to her mother’s house, but dreads Avril being smug about it. As she finishes packing, she sees the wooden box she mentioned several times before. The box’s key is taped to the underside of it; Quinn thinks she’ll “finally get to see what’s inside of it after all” (166). Graham returns before she can open the box and panics at the sight of her holding it. He tells her that he knows he did “the absolute worst thing” he could do to her, but begs for another chance (166). Quinn says she won’t open the box, but only because she no longer cares what’s inside of it.

Quinn drives to her mother’s house and stares at the Victorian mansion, reflecting on her childhood. Avril had never been maternal, having gotten pregnant accidentally. Quinn knows Avril hated being a mother. When Avril comes outside, Quinn starts crying. Her mother awkwardly comforts her. Quinn asks, “Why would God give someone like you children but not me?” (168). Avril admits that children didn’t fit into her plan for her life, but says that she’s done her best and is grateful for Quinn and Ava. Quinn is moved by her mother’s honesty and hugs her. Quinn says she’s going to head home because she doesn’t want to stay at her mother’s house, but ultimately wishes she didn’t have to be anywhere.

Quinn and Graham spend a night apart before he meets her mother. Graham sleeps at his own apartment because he’s worried he might be smothering Quinn. She says he isn’t, but accepts his desire to give her space. She and Ethan used to be apart most nights of the week, even when they were engaged. Quinn enjoyed her time alone just as much as her time with Ethan, but now, she misses Graham when he’s absent. Without him, she’s quickly bored. She goes to bed early. When Quinn wakes up, Graham is in bed with her; he tells her that he couldn’t sleep without her and came over after midnight. They make love.

Quinn’s been spending time with Graham’s family, but dreads him meeting her mother. Graham asks why she’s nervous, and she admits being worried that he’ll hate Avril. The meeting is awkward; Avril is judgmental and finds Graham inferior to Ethan, despite how hard he works to be charming. Quinn takes Graham on a tour of the house, intending to show him her childhood bedroom. They find that Avril has cleaned it out and turned it into a storage room. Quinn is hurt and disappointed that she isn’t able to offer Graham a familial welcome like he did her. Graham says he’s impressed and inspired by how Quinn made herself into a “selfless, amazing, incredible woman” after being raised by her cold mother (179). Quinn pinpoints this as the moment she falls in love with him. Graham tells her that he loves her for the first time, and she reciprocates.

Quinn sits in her car outside of her house the day after visiting her mother. She’d expected Graham to be around begging for forgiveness, but it seems he went to work, which makes her angry. She sees a curtain move and realizes Graham is home. He spots her and gets in the car with her. He asks why they never got a dog. Quinn is incredulous; she asks who Graham is and what he did with her husband. Graham says, “He’s probably somewhere with my wife. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her” (182).

Quinn tells Graham that she hates him. Graham says that Quinn doesn’t hate him because she’s been indifferent toward him for a long time. Quinn is angry that he’s trying to partially blame her for his infidelity. Graham says he didn’t sleep with Andrea, but that he thought about it. He wants Quinn to know everything that happened—that Andrea started working with his firm a few months ago, that she would sometimes do things that reminded Graham of Quinn, and that her mannerisms made Graham miss Quinn more. He went home one day thinking he would try to make Quinn smile, but Quinn walked into her office to avoid him. Graham was angry and kissed Andrea after work the next day; he claims he pretended Andrea was Quinn. Quinn reacts strongly to this, accusing Graham of blaming her for his cheating: “Graham Wells, first man in the world to find an ethical way around an affair” (186).

Graham tells Quin that he doesn’t know how to fix them. He says he knows she hates it when he’s around, touches her, or talks to her, but pretends not to notice because he knows she doesn’t want him to notice. He says he had an affair not because he wanted someone else, but because he misses Quinn and feels alone in their marriage. Quinn says she’s still present, but not the same person anymore and doesn’t think he loves this new version of her. Graham insists he loves her more than ever. He angrily gets out of the car and shouts that he loves her repeatedly, overwhelmed by emotion. Tired, he says he’s always loved her, “No matter how much you wish I didn’t” (190).

Six months into their relationship, Quinn takes Graham to her stepfather’s beach house in Cape Cod for a weekend. Graham seems at peace near the ocean. Quinn loves him so much that she fears losing him. She thinks this must be what it’s like to have children—an incredible but terrifying love. She asks if Graham wants children, and he says “yes.” Quinn says she’s always wanted to be a mother and is looking forward to it. Graham says he only wants children if he can have them with her because he wants to watch her be an incredible mother. Quinn says she wishes she could put her love for him into words the way he does; he asks her to write him a love letter and spray perfume on it like they’re in high school. He also asks for a nude picture in the envelope. The couple make love on the patio, listening to the waves crash against the shore.

Quinn decides not to text Ava about Graham’s cheating because she doesn’t want it to be the first thing she sees when she wakes up. She’s still hurt and angry but understands Graham’s act within the context of his own pain. She thinks about getting a dog. Quinn goes back into the quiet house and thinks about how she and Graham already tried therapy and found it boring and unhelpful. She wonders if they should divorce, so Graham could have a baby with someone else.

When she was in college, Quinn wrote an article about a couple who’d been married for 60 years. During the interview, the husband told her that the secret to a long, happy marriage was that both people couldn’t give up on the relationship at the same time. Quinn worries that she and Graham have both given up. She goes inside and finds Graham in the bedroom; he tells her that he only left the house that morning to quit his job, because he knew he couldn’t continue to “work in the place where [he] made the worst mistake of [his] life” (201). Quinn is relieved that he won’t be working around Andrea anymore. She thinks this means Graham is still willing to fight for their marriage. She lies in bed and cries; there’s a pain in her stomach that gets worse and worse until the couple realize she’s bleeding. Graham carries Quinn to the car and takes her to the hospital, where they discover that she miscarried. Quinn is briefly excited to realize she was able to get pregnant, but Graham tells her that she was hemorrhaging and the doctors had to perform a hysterectomy—a removal of Quinn’s uterus. They grieve together.