All Your Perfects

Quinn goes to Graham’s sister Caroline’s house to meet her newborn son; Caroline had a home birth the day before. The couple is “very involved in the lives of Caroline’s two daughters” (117). It’s difficult for Quinn to suppress her grief, but she practices smiling in the rearview mirror. Once inside, she sets her gift down on the coffee table and quietly goes to find Caroline, Graham, and the baby. She sees Graham holding his nephew, but before they notice her, she overhears Caroline say Graham would make a good father. He says he’s devastated that it hasn’t happened yet. This confirms Quinn’s fears, and she flees before she “[gasps], or [cries], or [vomits]” (119). She forgets about the baby gift, leaving it on the table. Quinn texts Graham from home, telling him that traffic was terrible and she won’t be able to meet the baby until the next day. When Graham comes home, he lies and tells her that he wasn’t able to hold the baby because he was sleeping. Quinn is upset that Graham lied to her. She tells him that she’ll be up working late and goes to her home office. She knows she should reach out to Graham and open their box, but goes into her office instead.

Quinn immediately loves Graham’s family and finds them delightful. Graham tells his parents elaborate lies about how long they’ve been dating and how they met, which Quinn finds charming. He offers her a tour of the house, and then offers the choice between the “typical” tour and a visit to his childhood bedroom. Quinn chooses the latter; in the bedroom, they talk about what Graham was like as a child and teenager. They find an old, expired condom. After foreplay, during which Quinn orgasms, they use the old condom and have sex. She feels close to Graham both physically and emotionally.

Thursday nights are Graham’s nights to go out drinking with his friends from work, but he never comes home completely drunk. Quinn believes Graham never gets drunk “because he’s still so full of guilt over losing his best friend, Tanner, all those years ago” (134). However, this Thursday, Graham is so drunk that he has to be driven home by a friend. Quinn worries that Graham drank so much to cope with his disappointment after holding his baby nephew the other night, or is stressed over the state of their marriage. Graham begins to seduce Quinn; she lets it happen, but can’t muster the same level of enthusiasm. They haven’t had sex since Graham refused to ejaculate inside of her, and Quinn has been secretly relieved because she hasn’t had to track her menstrual cycle (and be devastated by her period).

Quinn hastily counts to determine if she’s ovulating. When she realizes she isn’t, she sighs; Graham stops making love to her and asks if she can “at least pretend” that she still wants him, saying that it feels like he’s “making love to a corpse” (139). He immediately apologizes, but the damage is done. Quinn recognizes her own emotional distance, but is angry and devastated. She goes to the shower, where she cries. Afterward, she finds Graham in the kitchen. Graham grabs her; Quinn allows him “to hold [her] until [her] hurt feelings put a wedge between [them]” (141). They go to bed, but turn their backs and don’t talk.

Graham and Quinn leave his parents’ house hastily so they can return to her apartment and make love. At her apartment, Graham hesitates at the door and says he wonders if it’s “too much. Too fast” (144). Incredulous, Quinn reminds Graham that he’s the one who pushed her to meet his parents. She’s upset that he’s so cautious after they already had sex. Graham explains that he’s invested in their relationship and worries it will crush him if or when she doesn’t feel the same way. Quinn acknowledges that she feels this way too, and they have sex. Afterward, as they cuddle, Quinn admits she may have never called Graham if they hadn’t run into each other at the restaurant. They talk about Ethan and Sasha; Quinn tells Graham that Ethan tried to blame the affair on Sasha, and Graham says that Sasha is a “relatively good person who sometimes makes terrible and selfish decisions” (146). Quinn is impressed by Graham’s generous assessment of the situation.

Quinn and Graham talk about how relationships need to be able to withstand “Category 5” moments if they’re going to last. Graham recites Quinn’s fortune cookie from memory (“If you only shine light on your flaws, all your perfects will dim”) and says: “When you meet someone who is good for you, they won’t fill you with insecurities by focusing on your flaws. They’ll fill you with inspiration, because they’ll focus on all the best parts of you” (148). Quinn finds this beautiful. The pair talk about their own flaws; Graham somberly confesses that he was the driver in a car accident that took his best friend Tanner’s life. Graham was 19 at the time. They’d been drinking at a party, but Graham was the least drunk, so he drove. A truck ran a stop sign and hit the car, killing Tanner and injuring Tanner’s younger brother, Alec. Graham has worked hard to overcome this trauma, but still feels guilty. Quinn knows she can’t say anything to make him feel better, but accepts him and tells him that she’s sorry for his loss. They make love again.

Quinn’s had dreams of Graham cheating on her. The first time, she told him about her dream and he sent her flowers the next day, apologizing for what he did in her nightmare. She likes that she has a husband who’s willing to apologize, even for things he’s done in her dreams. Quinn wonders if he’ll come home and apologize that night, but isn’t certain he has anything to apologize for. It’s been over two weeks since they fought; on a recent Thursday, Graham came home and changed clothes without kissing her. Quinn suspects he may be cheating on her, which triggers panic because of what happened with Ethan. Lately, Graham has become less affectionate. Quinn thinks: “[H]e’s finally stooped to my level in this marriage. He either has something to feel guilty for or he’s finally done fighting for the survival of this marriage” (154).

Quinn watches Graham come home through the window. He sits in his car for a few moments, delaying coming inside. He wipes his mouth and neck and adjusts his tie. When Graham enters their home, Quinn asks, “What’s her name?” (156). He doesn’t answer. Deeply hurt, Quinn throws her wine glass at the wall and again demands a name. Graham says, “Andrea” (157). Crying, Quinn crawls around the floor to pick up the pieces of the wine glass. Graham showers. Quinn deliberately cuts her palm with a piece of glass, but can’t make the physical pain match her emotional pain. She’s still sobbing when Graham returns from the shower and holds her. He says her name, agonized, but Quinn goes to the bedroom alone, locking the door behind her.