All Your Perfects

Quinn reflects on the “dwindling” of her marriage with Graham. She thinks the marriage is “over” despite the fact that they still love each other. Quinn blames herself for their lack of closeness.

Graham comes home to find Quinn holding a wooden box, the contents of which are unknown. He asks what she’s doing with the box; Quinn thinks that he sounds afraid. She doesn’t have an answer, so she tells him that she found the box in the attic. She puts it on a bookshelf that Graham built for her early in their marriage. Graham embraces her and touches her stomach, which she describes as “unmarred by pregnancy” and “a stomach most mothers would envy” (21). She longs for the days when they used to make love freely, but still evades him. Quinn calls this “the divorce dance” and reflects that they’ve been dancing it for a while.

This chapter returns to the day of Quinn and Graham’s first meeting. It begins to rain outside of Ethan’s apartment building. Quinn drives in Graham’s direction, uncertain if she’ll offer him a ride or ask if he’s interested in revenge sex. She sees Graham enter a Mexican restaurant and follows him inside. She and Graham order drinks and play tic-tac-toe with bar pretzels. Their phones start to ring and vibrate with calls and texts from Sasha and Ethan, so Graham pushes his phone off the edge of the bar. Quinn does the same after another call from Ethan lights up her screen. As the pair sit and drink, Quinn confesses that she made a snide remark to Sasha when the other woman came outside looking for Graham. Graham puts his hand on Quinn’s knee, which flushes her with desire. He asks if she wants to leave together, and they do.

Quinn cries in the shower after getting her period for the month—a confirmation that she is once again not pregnant. She reflects on Graham always asking her why she takes long showers, and how she’ll claim it relaxes her or is good for her skin. She loses track of time and suddenly realizes she’s out of the shower with her hair and makeup done. While she looks at her naked body, Quinn thinks of herself as a “failure” because she cannot conceive a child.

In the kitchen, Quinn runs into Graham. She often carries objects to serve as a shield between them, but today, she is empty-handed. Graham holds Quinn, and she reflects on how much distance she’s created between them in an effort to avoid talking about her grief. She leaves and texts her sister, Ava, with the news that she is once again not pregnant. Ava expresses sympathy, and then shares that her husband, Reid, has gotten a job abroad and the couple will be moving soon. Though Quinn is devastated by the news that her sister will soon be far away, she is also happy for her.

Quinn reflects on her background, noting that her father died when she was 14. He’d been a hard-working man, who put in long hours to support the affluent lifestyle that his wife Avril desired. Avril remarried another, richer man only eight months after Quinn’s father’s death. Quinn’s stepfather is wealthy, but has biological children who will inherit his fortune. This has made Quinn independent and hard-working. Quinn and Ava don’t ask their mother for money, but she’ll occasionally spend money on them in self-serving ways, such as group spa days. Avril will also do things like “visit [their] homes and complain about [their] furniture and two days after she leaves a delivery person will show up with all new furniture she picked out herself” (37).

Quinn describes her mother Avril as the “most dramatic person I know” who is appalled at the idea of adoption (37). She and Ava refer to their mother as “your mother” in conversation with each other, a funny habit established in high school. The three women meet for lunch every weekend, a ritual that Quinn enjoys and will sorely miss once Ava moves to Europe. At their weekly lunch, Avril asks about Graham. Quinn says he’s fine, but reflects on how her mother always thought Graham wasn’t good enough: “If it were up to my mother, Graham would be Ethan and I’d be living in a house as big as hers and she’d be able to brag to all her friends about how much richer her daughter is than Evelyn Bradbury” (39). An old friend of Avril’s stops by; she hasn’t seen the family since Quinn was engaged to Ethan. The woman refers to herself and Avril as “grandparents,” but Avril corrects her and says Ava and Reid don’t have children because it would interfere with their wanderlust. When the woman asks why Quinn doesn’t have children, Avril says Quinn and Graham are experiencing infertility. The woman is sympathetic, but Quinn responds to her advice with clipped confirmation that she’s already tried the things she’s suggesting: Quinn’s endometriosis makes it difficult for her to become pregnant, three rounds of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) failed to work and wiped out their savings, surrogacy is expensive, and adoption isn’t an option because of a criminal conviction in Graham’s past.

Quinn feels as though she is holding Graham back from being a father. She feels selfish for keeping him despite her inability to conceive: “I feel selfish every time Graham and I have sex because I know I’m clinging to a hope that isn’t there, dragging him along in a marriage that will eventually become too dull for either of us” (44). Quinn is a member of several online communities for couples experiencing infertility as well as those for expectant parents, spending her days looking at what she calls “support groups” (45). However, she doesn’t partake in social media because of those who make fake pregnancy announcements or complain about their children—which she finds insensitive. Seeing children and pregnant women, as well as references to them, makes Quinn think about how she’ll never be a mother—but lately, so does physical intimacy with Graham.

Quinn and Graham go to Quinn’s apartment. Quinn reflects on how she’s never brought a man who wasn’t Ethan there—and how Ethan rarely came because his own apartment was more put together. Wedding supplies, like Quinn’s dress and invitations, are strewn around the apartment. Quinn hastily puts some of these items out of sight. Graham finds a picture of a post-proposal Ethan and Quinn and says she looks happy in the photo. Quinn reflects that she had been happy, and oblivious to Ethan’s cheating. Like he had with their phones at the bar, Graham slides the framed picture so it hits the floor and breaks.

Graham reads the invitations, which Quinn and Ethan’s mothers had designed and ordered, and points out that they refer to the wedding venue as “prestigious” (51). Quinn is embarrassed by this and tells him that her mother had insisted on the wording. Graham gently asks about Quinn’s background and socioeconomic status, and she finds his comments about her being more than she seems flattering. He shows Quinn the engagement ring he’s been carrying for two weeks, as he planned to propose to Sasha. Quinn tries to give Graham the expensive engagement ring that Ethan gave her, wanting to trade rings because she prefers Graham’s subtler choice. Graham refuses because of the obvious price of Quinn’s ring. Quinn reflects on Graham’s appearance. She finds him attractive in a way she can’t attribute to any particular feature. She describes some of his mannerisms and poise as magnetic, saying, “I’m not sure I’ve ever been so physically attracted to someone I know so little” (54).

Graham asks where Quinn’s bedroom is. Quinn is surprised by his forwardness and conflicted about sleeping together, but leads Graham to the bedroom. She explains that she never makes her bed because it’s wasted time that adds up over a lifetime. Graham seems amused. Quinn excuses herself to go to the bathroom and sort out what she wants to do. She changes into a nightgown, brushes her teeth, and puts her hair up. When she emerges, she finds Graham fully dressed and having made her bed. He tucks her in, and she admits that she likes the feeling of slipping into a made bed.

Graham also seems conflicted about having sex, so Quinn tells him it’s okay to go. He’s relieved, and they both agree that it’s too soon for a rebound; Graham says he wouldn’t want to be Quinn’s rebound anyway. Quinn is uncertain if this is a compliment or a subtle way of saying he’s not interested in her. Graham leaves, and Quinn shifts into mourning the abrupt changes in her life. When she goes to lock her front door, she finds that Graham left a post-it note with his phone number and a note directing her to call him after her rebound guy. Quinn is charmed, and then goes back to bed and cries.