A Piece Of Cake: A Memoir

“Nothing in this world is free.”

One of the first hard lessons that Cupcake learned after her mother died was that she would have to work for everything she wanted. Additionally, she was taught never to give anyone anything they didn’t pay for. This damaging mentality followed Cupcake for much of her life, until she found people who accepted her just as she was.

“They may have suspected they were getting to me, but I sho as hell wasn’t gon’ show it.”

Cupcake’s use of language changes throughout her autobiography and matches the current attitude and lifestyle she is describing. As she falls further into street life, her inner thoughts shift toward slang. For most of her life, Cupcake refused to be vulnerable or to ask for help, and this protective stance led to years of struggling with addiction. In recovery, Cupcake had to learn to overcome her fear of vulnerability. All of this illustrates her journey of Developing, Experiencing, and Overcoming Addiction.

“The lessons were clear: men want you only for sex; sex makes you money; money bought necessities like food, shelter, booze, and drugs; drugs and booze make life—and the sex—not so bad. Most important, doing anything anywhere was better—and safer—than just sitting at Diane’s waiting for the next beating.”

Cupcake quickly learned that she could numb her emotions with substances and alcohol, which made foster care, sex work, and loneliness more tolerable. She became stuck in an endless cycle of attempting to keep herself always feeling “happy,” when in reality she was not happy at all.

“And I would take back my birth name—the name my mother gave me. From now on, I would use my real name—Cupcake. And, since La’Vette was the name chosen by the fucked-up asshole—who was directly responsible for my fucked-up life—I would use that name when I did fucked up stuff.”

Staying True to Oneself Versus Wanting to Belong is something that challenged Cupcake for most of her life. She was constantly compromising her own morals and emotions for drugs and to feel like she belonged to something. Cupcake’s two names signify the version of herself that she likes and the version of herself that compromised on staying true to herself in order to belong.

“I was no longer ashamed or bothered in any way by turning tricks. I was surviving and doing what I had to do. If it did start to bother me, I would just get high. By now, I got high on something every day.”

The more that Cupcake engages in sex work, the more numb to its effects she becomes. Cupcake engages in sex work to supply her substance use, while also using substances to numb the pain of sex work, creating an endless cycle.

“Most importantly, turning tricks allowed me to buy drugs and booze that helped me forget my past, ignore the present, and be absolutely oblivious to the future.”

Cupcake spent years of her life in a haze, avoiding her past and not considering how she might be affecting her future. This state of total indifference was the result of her Addiction. Cupcake became dependent on drugs and alcohol to cope with what was happening to her.

“Finally, I belonged to something.”

Cupcake felt alone and out of place when her mother died and she was sent into foster care, and when she was introduced to gang life, it finally gave her a place to Belong. Like many young people who join gangs, Cupcake felt forgotten and was severely abused, and the gang provided her protection and commQunity.

“These rituals helped instill a profound sense of loyalty and dedication in all the members. It trained us to love the gang more than our family, friends, even ourselves.”

Cupcake learned to put the gang before everything else, and the rituals that the gang used (such as pouring out drinks for fallen members) created a sense of solidarity and community that she had not experienced before. Cupcake, who states that she was never meant for gang life, shares that she made it out when she was shot and decided that her life was worth more.

“Every now and then my conscience would rise up and I’d begin to feel bad about the way I was living and the things we were doing. But then I’d get around the homies. Between their love, the booze, the drugs, and the blackouts, my conscience was shut down. Besides, there was no time for guilt—I was becoming a ghetto star.”

Cupcake compromised Staying True to Oneself to feel like part of a family. It was not until years later, when she joined the 12-step program, that she learned she deserved to belong just as she was, without needing to change or compromise.

“I quit pondering the peculiarity of how two completely differently raised children ended up sinking into the same destructive conduct. Since Kelly liked to drink and smoke just as much as me, I instead focused on enjoying our friendly descent into alcohol-induced oblivion.”

Cupcake was one of millions of young people who resort to joining a gang when they are neglected or abused. Kelly, on the other hand, did not experience neglect or abuse, but still fell into a gang. According to Cupcake, this demonstrates that anyone can be vulnerable to this need to Belong and seek it out in destructive ways.

“Shit, I was successful. I had a lucrative business and tons of friends. I stayed loaded. And I was the most popular chick in the whole complex—if that ain’t success, what is?”

At this time in her life, Cupcake was fully in denial about her circumstances and her Addiction. She believed that as long as she was financially “succeeding” and popular, she did not have anything to worry about.

“Me? A problem with drugs? Shit, only problem I got is when I ain’t got any!”

Cupcake’s humor comes through even as she discusses dark topics such as Addiction to drugs. She is unabashed and able to see the often-ridiculous form that her thoughts would take when she was using drugs.

“We ran into his arms, crying and grateful that someone did love our worthless asses.”

Cupcake spent much of her life feeling as though she did not belong anywhere and like nobody cared about her. She often forgot that people like Daddy and Uncle Jr. were always there and willing to help, and she took their help for granted.

“Is it white folks that made you leave out those parts of your past, or is it your own pain remembering them? Could you be blaming white folks for your own unwillingness or inability to deal with your past?”

Cupcake experienced racism and bullying as a child, which led her to develop an impression of white people and to create a mental division between herself and them. She was always willing to blame someone else for her problems, and only when she turned the blame toward herself was she finally able to recover.

“I don’t know if it was the ignorance of youth, the blindness of love, or the mistaken belief that insecurity is love, but I believed him. I believed him when he said that he was sorry and that he’d never hit me again. So I took him back.”

Looking back on her decision to stay with Tommy, Cupcake remains confused about the reasons why she did so. She regularly acknowledges throughout the book the flaws in her logic, which has the effect of making her appear human and relatable.

“I did crime only at night; somehow it just seemed like the responsible thing to do, so it wouldn’t interfere with my day job.”

Cupcake’s autobiography is laced with subtle humor, and she has no qualms about poking fun at herself and her previously skewed ways of thinking. Cupcake remained in denial, telling herself that keeping a job meant that she was doing okay.

“I had tried just about everything else, but nothing seemed to make me feel okay—there was always an if: if I was prettier, if my skin was lighter, if my hair was longer, if my mom was alive, if my teeth were straight, if I was more popular, if I made more money…if I had any of those things, I’d be okay.”

Cupcake went through much of her life feeling unsatisfied with who she was. She had low self-esteem and drowned out her lack of self-love with drugs and alcohol. In recovery, Cupcake learned to love and appreciate her unique beauty.

“Standing in front of the store mirror, looking at myself in the long, flowing white dress—just for a moment—I felt like a beautiful princess. But as my mind once again reminded me of my painful past, the beauty soon faded. I began to reflect on how my life had really been. I began to wonder why I had so much anger, hatred, and resentment inside me. Why I couldn’t really be someone’s princess.”

In marrying Tommy, Cupcake felt like an imposter in her own life. After years of abuse and neglect, she felt bitter toward the world and as though she could never fully appreciate anything. She wondered, too, why nobody seemed to appreciate her.

“Ignorance manufactures denial.”

Cupcake uses a powerful aphorism to explain how she fell into Addiction and the myriad ways in which she denied the fact that she had a problem. Cupcake lacked the full knowledge of the nature of addiction, which she later learned about in recovery.

“Yup, you will go down. You will go underneath the bottom. So far beneath that it will seem there’s no way up…But that’s when God will step in. And if you let Him, not only will He bring you up, but He will propel you to unimaginable heights. He will take you to such triumphs that no one—not even you—will be able to deny that it was Him.”

Cupcake meets a police officer known as Preacher who has some wise words to share with her. He senses that she isn’t meant to be on the street and places a seed of hope in her by telling her that she has the potential to improve.

“I bet you’ve been through things that others can only imagine. You have been places others never return from. That is why you are going to touch so many people.”

When Cupcake is told that her story will become an inspiration, she cannot see how at first. It is not until she recovers and gains the courage to be truthful about her past that she witnesses the ripple effects of sharing what happened to her and how she overcame it.

“Pride gets us drunk. Ego keeps us drunk. Humility allows us to ask for help; it enables us to get honest about what’s really going on inside.”

Venita was always ready with words of wisdom to share with Cupcake and provide her with things to consider. Cupcake struggled to open up and ask for help for most of her life, and learning to do so was perhaps even more challenging than quitting drugs and alcohol.

“I warned myself not to miss my blessing of a new family just because we weren’t related by blood. We were related by love.”

Cupcake finds a new place to Belong through the 12-step program and all of the supportive, open people she meets there. She can relate with them because they have all had similar experiences, and nobody judges one another.